Update on Life: A Meandering Stream of Consciousness
It has been a few months since I started writing here with the intention to keep it light, and mostly about interesting observations and musings. In fact, after Vietnam, I spent a total of 6 weeks in Taipei. The original plan was to visit our favourite uncle whom we have not met in 3 years (Thanks Covid), hang out, travel in Taiwan, and celebrate his retirement. To make a long story short, he got really ill but one week into retirement, and eventually passed within a month of getting ill. So instead of mountains and lakes and loads of shit talking, it was ICU day after day, and eventually a wake and funeral. His business class tickets to Singapore to celebrate his 60th birthday with us was a stark reminder that life doesn’t always go as planned.
And so it proved prophetic. Dad had a kidney transplant (mom donated), so I was pushed back to help out with the family business, which in all honesty, did not interest me at all. The boundaries I had drawn up while negotiating the return was duly stepped on and spat on (figuratively), and I found myself back in the mire I had escaped from some 3 years ago, with much difficulty. Family duties and all. Put simply, my dad used my name to take business loans, to do his business. It didn’t work as planned (pandemic and whatnot), so basically I am back to try and fight fires he started (and my own future and credit score). With all that being said, I don’t think my dad is a bad person, but he is a slave to his ego. He has surrounded himself with yes men, and any dissent towards his ideas (a construction company specialising in building castles in the air) is met with not at all constructive(destructive?) criticism. The desperate need to prove the unknown other wrong, that he can be a success, has pretty much led him (and me) down this dark path, where the only way is through. Sounds pretty much like gambling if you ask me.
On the topic of “the only way is through”, I saw a funny picture with the caption
“The only way is through. But the only way through is to work on myself. So I guess there is no way.”
THIS TOTALLY RESONATED WITH ME! As a dedicated believer of doing the bare minimum (unless I feel otherwise), this situation I find myself plonked into feels like life is telling me “pass my test, and I will grant you a boon”. The said boon, however, feels very much like a chance to start from 0, and starting from 0 at ages 35-37 seems abit much. I am at the age where all my friends have their own families, and I have the one I’m born in. The idea of having freedom is locked up in a cage, chained up, tied down with cement, and tossed overboard to the bottom of the ocean.
Unsurprisingly then, I just got diagnosed with anxiety and high blood pressure. Partly age, partly my sedentary lifestyle, partly my diet of food that tastes good, but is actually really bad for you, and I bet mostly because my work environment (from which I long to be free from) is ass. Which I already knew, having worked there for 7 years previously. But I am honestly at a loss, because my name is attached to all the loans, and letting my dad-boss-who-only-listens-to-cunts-who-tell-him-he’s-right do whatever the fuck he wants is honestly not going to help the situation.
It has thrown off my personal plans of trying copywriting as a job, although I still go online and take courses to try and keep my brain working. Doing a readthrough of this post has led me to the conclusion that my writing has gotten (or was already) fucking mediocre, and would require much practice, sharpening and reading. This conclusion as serves as somewhat of a conclusion for this stream of consciousness-y, ranty post, that nobody will read, because I told all of 1 person that I made this website when I made it, and proceeded to not update it.
Eh, that’s it for now I guess? Hopefully the next update is more positive and also not months away.
Cheers.